CHICAGO, IL — Just 900 people were injured during the latest "No Kings" protest — a record low for the Chicago area — proving the protest technically qualified as peaceful.
A new round of "No Kings" protests focused on the midterm elections has led to the least amount of injuries ever and a record-breaking zero fatalities.
In a city where just waking up can get you shot, a protest was expected to draw enormous attention. But with only 900 people being injured, protestors felt they may be losing their touch. "How are we supposed to get out the vote when we can't even get someone killed?" said event organizer Ezra Levin. "If no one dies, our warnings against tyranny feel really hollow," he said. "So disappointing."
According to sources, not only was 900 injuries a new low for a "No Kings" rally in the Windy City, but it was also its least-violent weekend of the year thus far.
"I can't believe no one died. This is an absolute miracle for Chicago," said Mayor Brandon Johnson. "Maybe this city is finally starting to come around and — Ow! Who shot me?"
At publishing time, the "No Kings" protestors apologized for the drop in violence and promised to wreak far more havoc and inflict a larger amount of pain, suffering, and death next time around.
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