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Geneva Conventions Amended To Include Ban On 'The Christmas Shoes'

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—At long last recognizing the song as "cruel and unusual punishment," a historic gathering of international leaders Monday called upon the world's nations to ban the playing of "The Christmas Shoes," a painfully bad and cheesy song inflicted upon populations around the world each year.

The Conventions, ratified Monday morning by representatives from over 180 countries, now identifies the playing of "The Christmas Shoes" in a public place as a severe war crime, according to sources.

Telling the super-sappy, cringeworthy tale of a boy trying to buy a pair of shoes for his dying mother, the song has long been criticized as torturous, but not all nations agreed with the definition of the song as a war crime. North Korea has gained international notoriety for playing the tune in its prisons to torture enemies of the state. But now, the vast majority of the world recognizes the offensively awful tune for what it is: inhumane punishment.

"It's pretty much the same thing as waterboarding," Secretary of State Mike Pompeo told reporters. "I mean, off the record, we've gotten quite a bit of intel out of uncooperative terrorist suspects by threatening them with a few minutes of 'The Christmas Shoes.'"

"But you didn't hear that from me," Pompeo continued with a wink.

At publishing time, ratifying nations had agreed to a further set of diplomatic talks sometime next year, wherein leaders will discuss whether to place an international ban on church greeting times.

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