PARIS - Finally addressing the rising unrest over climate change taxes and other cost of living issues, French President Emmanuel Macron criticized the protesters for not using carbon-neutral rioting methods.
Macron blasted the movement for callously burning cars on the streets and setting fires that would contribute to global warming.
"These protesters are burning entire cars when a strongly worded letter would suffice," he said. "Preferrably on recycled paper." He also suggested blowing bubbles and speaking words of encouragement to one another in the streets. "This is a much more powerful demonstration than using fire and violence."
The French government also said it would sell carbon credits to protesters who still wish to partake in torching property all over Paris. "We're offering a discounted rate on carbon credits to offset your violent activities, for a limited time only. Now you can protest ethically."
The president concluded his speech with a powerful statement: "Let them eat carbon-neutral, ethically sourced cake."