WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced on Friday that he had successfully annexed the Canadian hockey team, the Montreal Canadiens, and would be renaming them the Montreal Americans.
The controversial move came amid an ongoing trade war with America's neighbor to the north, but Trump insisted that renaming the team the Americans was really doing Canada a favor.
"We're going to be changing the name of the Montreal Canadiens to the Montreal Americans, effective immediately," Trump said from the Oval Office. "As you know, America has dominated Canada in hockey for years. So, we're doing them a favor, naming one of their teams after us. It's more accurate, I think. Who wants to be named after a bunch of losers? Maybe now they'll win a Stanley Cup, and it'll be all thanks to me."
Montreal Americans owner Geoff Molson reportedly resisted the name change. "We're not calling them the Americans. That's stupid. No one likes America."
"He said that? That's stupid," Trump said after a reporter informed him of Molson's comments. "You know, they misspelled the name. It was Canadiens with an 'e.' What a dumb mistake," Trump said. "Probably why they haven't won a Stanley Cup in 33 years."
Molson was later forced into compliance by NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. "Who can resist Trump's will?" Bettman reportedly told Molson in a tense meeting. "He took Lake Ontario, and now he's taking our Canadiens. If you fight this, he might take you too. You never know what he might name you."
At publishing time, Canadians appeared to be fully behind the name change as the Montreal Americans' season opener on September 29 had already sold out.
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