GAZA — The Gaza Health Ministry announced that Israeli soldiers killed eight billion innocent women, children and puppies today during the rescue operation where four hostages were freed.
"With the battle having ended twelve seconds ago, we can now confirm that exactly eight billion people are dead," said Gaza Health Ministry spokesman Ismail al-Thawabta. "They were all of course civilians, we've never seen such carnage, the hospital is overwhelmed, et cetera, you guys know the drill."
According to sources inside Gaza, the hostages were doing great and enjoying a nice game of Parcheesi when the mean ol' Israeli Defense Forces showed up and started dropping thermonuclear weapons on daycares. "Hamas, of course, offered to kindly hand back the hostages and be friends, but the Israelis just kept senselessly shooting children and puppies," said al-Thawabta. "Then they bombed a school, a mosque, a nursery, an animal shelter, and a playground. We will now cut to some footage of women weeping over invisible corpses."
The Health Ministry states that the attack has once again left Gaza on the brink of collapse. "We can confirm that for the 173rd day in a row, Gaza only has 24 hours of fuel left before the power goes out and another billion children die," said Hamas spokesman Mohammed al-Insa. "We are also starving and demand sushi instead of the crap Israel has been sending us. Dynamite roll, please, if it's not too much trouble."
At publishing time, the Gaza Health Ministry had announced that a terrorist tunnel destroyed by the IDF was actually housing another billion children who were all now dead.
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