So, you've decided to join all the cool New Yorkers who are moving to Florida? Congratulations! It'll be just like snowbirding, except it'll last forever! Unfortunately, it's been said that New Yorkers often experience a significant culture shock when they first arrive in the Sunshine State.
Fortunately, The Babylon Bee is here to help you through the adjustment with this helpful list of 10 things that you should prepare for:
When it's hot, that's called "summer": It's also called "winter," "spring," and "fall."
Tax dollars won't have to pay for immigrants to live in Marriott hotels: Instead, your money will be used to fly immigrants to Martha's Vineyard.
You're less likely to be shot on your way to your mailbox: And at the grocery store. And while you're getting gas. And while crossing the street. And at the beach. And at Disney World. Basically, you're less likely to get shot in general.
You'll now have to watch out for the roving gangs of murderous alligators: Often called the "Floridian Mafia," they are most often seen demanding protection money from local businesses under the guise of "running a trucking company." Just give them what they want, and you'll probably be fine.
"Shank" now means a mis-hit in golf: Not the makeshift weapon the drugged-up psycho sitting next to you on the subway is fixin' to stick into your chest.
It's so oppressively humid you feel like you're constantly being cooked in a microwave oven and on the brink of heat stroke when you go outside for 1 minute to get the mail: Don't worry, you'll eventually get used to taking an oxygen tank with you when you go for your morning jog.
There's someone strong, principled, and competent in charge of your state: This is what is referred to as a "governor."
The pizza is far inferior: The savages in Florida don't even fold their slices multiple times.
There is 100% less Robert DeNiro: This alone makes the move worthwhile.
You're geographically closer to Mar-a-Lago: You'll sense its presence at all times and will need to face in its direction when praying every morning.
Now that you know what to expect, you should have an easier time adjusting to moving from New York to the United States.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
