WORLD — Authorities across the globe have forcefully condemned Liam Neeson for killing dozens of kindly human traffickers just to save one lousy hostage.
"We are absolutely disgusted by this rampage of violence against innocent human traffickers trying to make a living," said U.S. Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "One measly little hostage is no excuse for Neeson's horrific actions."
According to sources, Neeson began hunting down the human traffickers after they kidnapped his daughter to sell as a sex slave. "Terrorists violently taking his daughter to rape is simply no justification for violence," said British politician Jeremy Corbyn. "We called for an immediate cease-fire when Neeson began his genocidal campaign, and demanded he instead spend the next year negotiating with the traffickers while they raped his daughter. Moreover, we condemn in the strongest possible terms Neeson's failure to give food and electricity to the people holding his daughter hostage. His behavior has no place in civilized society."
Despite the hostage rescue operation being successful, several international bodies, including the United Nations, castigated Neeson for the collateral damage he caused. "He should have shot the terrorists in the legs," said U.N. Secretary General Antonio Guterres. "We have issued an immediate arrest warrant for Neeson, and vow to hold him accountable for his totally unnecessary use of violence against poor, helpless terrorists. Just because they are holding your daughter hostage does not give you the right to resort to violence."
At publishing time, Neeson had reportedly informed world leaders that he has a particular set of skills and taking criticism well isn't one of them.
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