SACRAMENTO, CA—California Governor Gavin Newsom was spending another day keeping his state locked down and safe from the coronavirus when he heard a disturbing sound: the laughter of children. “Someone sounded like they were having fun,” Newsom explained to reporters, “and anything fun is the number one way to spread the virus.”
While the sound of children’s laughter wasn’t quite as bad as hearing a worship song being sung, Newsom decided to call the police to be on the safe side. The search of the neighborhood only turned up children as they should be: locked inside and looking rather sullen. “I didn’t imagine it, though,” Newsom said. “Some children were outside enjoying themselves in full violation of the law! And they’re still on the loose! They could be playing hide and seek as we speak!”
Police have issued an APB for children playing outside, though so far they have not been spotted. Reportedly, Newsom got little sleep last night, as he just couldn’t get it out of his head that out there, somewhere, children were having fun.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.