GREENVILLE, SC — After years of warning that the witchcraft in Harry Potter is an existential danger to the youth, fundamentalist Christians are delighted to hear that liberals are now warning that the Harry Potter books represent an existential danger to the youth and should be burned.
"We are grateful our liberal friends have condemned this wickedness – on Saturday at Central Park, we will be holding a joint book-burning ceremony together of J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter books." Current President of Bob Jones University Steve Pettit announced the event through a press release on the school's website, including a picture of himself posing in a frozen-handshake position with a face-tattooed person of ambiguous gender, who was also giving the "thumbs-down" sign in the picture.
While this show of partnership made waves in South Carolina, the broader interstate consensus emerging has been hailed as a victory by national Christian leaders as well. "Harry Potter is abominable, and surprising though it may be, common grace and common sense have prevailed in liberal strongholds throughout our nation – we are proud to link arms with these strange-looking humanoids in common cause against J.K. Rowling's unending quest to corrupt and mislead the youth." Dr. James Dobson shared his encouragement on his syndicated radio show "Family Talk With Dr. James Dobson."
Democrats have hailed the rare moment of unity as a turning point for the national discourse. "J.K. Rowling is more than harmful – her books, Tweets, and very presence are literal violence, and have already killed millions of children since last week alone. She must be ended, or her influence may spread to more."
At publishing time, the show of unity was still holding strong in condemning the writer, but Rowling has reportedly been offered a regular show on Alex Jones's Infowars network.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
