WASHINGTON, D.C. — In preparation for Halloween, White House staffers have spent days adorning the premises with frightening decorations. One prop stands out above the rest: a spooky, lifelike old zombie that wanders the halls, drooling and moaning.
When asked how much work went into creating the animatronic zombie decoration with a realistic, putrid urine smell, staffers responded, "Huh?"
Critics suggest the White House may have gone too far with the gruesome zombie, citing reports of traumatized young girls on White House tours being chased through corridors as the old thing repeatedly asked for "just a little taste of delicious hair."
"We have listened to reports about our, um, Halloween decorations," said Press Secretary Jean-Pierre, "No visitors are allowed in the White House until our engineers have properly adjusted or replaced the zombie."
At publishing time, Congress reportedly decorated their offices to look like a spooky wax museum with old, disfigured creatures hoarding piles of gold.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.