PHOENIX, AZ — In a shocking turn of events, data analysts at Fox News have called the gubernatorial race in Arizona for Stacey Abrams.
"Yes, we are aware that Stacey Abrams isn't even running in Arizona, but we have top analysts working on this and the data does not lie," said Fox News polling expert Arnon Mishkin. "Stacey Abrams is your new governor. The election is over. You can all go home now. Goodnight!"
Poll workers were reporting pandemonium at several key voting locations as voting machines mysteriously stopped working, but the chaos immediately subsided after they announced that Abrams had won so there was no need to vote.
"Whew! I thought I was going to have to wait in line all day for them to fix the machines, but then Fox News called the election! What a relief!" said one local voter who asked not to be named. "Thanks, Fox News!"
At publishing time, Fox had also revealed that Joe Biden had been elected governor of Georgia.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
