DEARBORN, MI — Ford Motor Company is set to debut an innovative safety feature for all new models, where the vehicle will instantly shut off if a woman is detected in the driver's seat.
"Countless garage doors will be saved," said Ford CEO Jim Farley. "We believe this incredible technology will do more for car safety than seatbelts and airbags ever did."
Ford engineers have worked for decades adding countless features in a vain attempt to overcome women being awful drivers. "We made back-up cameras, bird's eye cameras - we even made sensors to warn women when they were about to smash into the garage door. All to no avail," said Rob Arnett, Director of Safety. "Then one day, the thought occurred to me - why have I been beating my head against the wall trying to make a car safe for women to drive, when I could just make it so women can't drive at all? Thus, the idea for our patented 'Woman-Lock' technology was born."
According to researchers at Ford, the addition of "Woman-Lock" will allow the removal of several now-unnecessary safety features such as collision prevention. "The cost-savings will be astronomical. We have also heard from State Farm that cars with 'Woman-Lock' will get a ninety-percent discount on insurance premiums," said Mr. Farley. "I personally can't wait to get it installed on my car. There's a curb on Jones Avenue that will be able to sleep a lot easier at night."
At publishing time, "Woman-Lock" was undergoing further testing after a vehicle failed to shut off when Assistant Secretary for Health Rachel Levine got in the driver's seat.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
