MAR-A-LAGO, FL — Trump made a statement from his Florida resort on Wednesday, responding to DeSantis's announcement he was running for President. In it, he attacked his opponent for mismanaging the state so badly that only a really dumb idiot would ever want to live there.
"Florida is a terrible place, really terrible, a hellhole, really," said Trump. "Only very, very stupid people live in Florida. That's how bad it is. So bad, really bad. But it would be a wonderful, perfect place if Ron DeSanctimonious, Meatball Ron, hadn't driven it into the ground--like a dog. Now, only very bad dummies still live there. And I know a thing or two about really bad dummies. Sad!"
Trump then vowed he would work with CNN, MSNBC, and Dr. Fauci to ensure DeSantis didn't win and then make the entire country just like Florida, where stupid people live.
"If Ron DeStupid wins the Presidency, which he won't, the entire country will be a balmy tropical paradise with freedom and low taxes," said Trump. "But it will be a balmy tropical paradise with freedom and low taxes where I am not President, and that would be terrible. Nobody wants that!"
At publishing time, DeSantis had retaliated by giving Disney approval to build a resort at Trump International Golf Club.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.