TALLAHASSEE, FL — Soft whimpers were heard late last night at the Governor's Mansion, as aides reported Ron DeSantis whispering in between sobs over insults lobbed his way by former President Donald Trump.
"Trump's WRONG," DeSantis was overheard saying to himself as he sniffled. "I'm not sanctimonious and I don't look like a meatball! He's...he's...just a big stinky jerk."
Trump has ramped up his attacks on DeSantis in the wake of the Florida Governor's official announcement that he was entering the race to win the Republican nomination for President in 2024. "The state of Florida has gone downhill drastically since Rob DeSanctimonious has been governor," Trump posted to his Truth Social account. "I helped him out bigly by endorsing him, basically handing him the victory, and this is how Meatball shows his gratitude! TOTAL LOSER!"
DeSantis's team was said to have been prepared for a harsh reaction from Trump to the campaign launch, but was still taken aback by the choice of nicknames. DeSantis, though appearing unaffected in public, has been hit hard. "I thought it might be fun to run for President," DeSantis sobbed into his pillow. "I didn't know people would be so mean to me. My name isn't ‘Rob!' Why did he call me ‘Rob?'"
At publishing time, DeSantis's staff was hoping to cheer the Governor up in the morning by surprising him with some delicious spoonless pudding and giving him an update on how much Disney's stock has fallen.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
