GREENSBORO, NC — A local mother and father joined the crowd gathered for another round of musical recital performances on Saturday, as their son patiently awaited his turn to butcher "Für Elise."
Young Braden Jennings, a first-grader who has been taking piano lessons for the last year, stood nervously by as the students ruthlessly desecrated other classical pieces ahead of him, confident that his butchering of one of Beethoven's most popular compositions would wow the audience.
"Wait till they see what I've done with the piece," Jennings was heard whispering to himself as another student defiled Debussy's "Claire de Lune." "I don't think anyone has ever heard ‘Für Elise' in the way I'm going to play it. My parents are going to be so proud."
Braden's father, Dave, said he was cautiously optimistic that he would be able to make it through the entire performance this time. "Last time was rough, but I'm going to survive this time," he said. "I did my best back in May when he played Chopin's ‘Nocturne,' but I was afraid that the sounds he was making on the piano were going to cause permanent damage to my brain. I ran out screaming, but I apologized to him later. This time will be much better. I hope."
Though the Geneva Convention outlined strict prohibitions against torture, musical recitals have somehow been allowed to continue in the decades since, leaving parents to test their resolve multiple times per year. "Eventually, you become numb," another parent said. "Your soul turns black, and even the most wretched sounds have no effect after a while."
At publishing time, the entire audience had reportedly made it through Braden Jennings's performance without their ears bleeding.
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