FRESNO, CA — Local man Dennis Townsend has converted to Seventh Day Adventism in order to spend all Sunday sitting on the couch watching NFL games.
Long frustrated by missing the early slate of games for church, Townsend could hardly believe his luck when he learned of a group that only has church on Saturday.
"You mean, you never have church on Sunday? Like, you never once miss kick-off?" asked Townsend. "Well, I'm convinced. The evidence for Seventh Day Adventism is just overwhelming, and I literally have no choice but to convert."
Townsend states that his religious conversion has lead to a notable improvement in his fantasy football performance. "Boy, do I love being Seventh Day Adventist," said Townsend as he sent smack talk to his fantasy opponent. "I've always been at a big disadvantage in our league, not being able to watch all the games. Hard doing fantasy against agnostics that don't have to go to church. But, thanks to Seventh Day Adventism, my team 'Country Road, Take Mahomes' is on fire."
At publishing time, Townsend had been seen at the office spreading the good news of Seventh Day Adventism to his friend Steve who had missed seeing the Packers game because of church.
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