SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Newsom announced today that construction has wrapped on the long anticipated high speed rail project, finally connecting his house directly to the French Laundry.
Though many questioned if the $120 billion project would ever come to fruition, Newsom proudly declared that he had proved the doubters wrong.
"Take that, haters," said Newsom as he presided over the ribbon-cutting ceremony. "Everyone laughed when we spent the first $30 billion and ten years later still hadn't laid any track. Well who's laughing now? ME. I'm laughing, because I can walk right out my door and in just two minutes be at the French Laundry having the most delicious mushroom bisque you've ever tasted. You're welcome, California."
The rail project was initially projected to be done in 2020 and cost 25% of its final budget, but Newsom felt the additional time and money were worth it. "I know people say, 'Hey Gavin. Why did this cost an extra $90 billion and take six more years?' And to those idiots I say, 'Have you ever tried the filet at the French Laundry?'" said Newsom. "It's so tender, and the chimichurri sauce, just wow. It was worth every penny of taxpayer money."
At publishing time, Newsom had announced that no one else was allowed to ride the high-speed rail except for him and anyone confirmed to be on staff at the French Laundry.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
