Feminists In Texas Frantically Research What People Do With Babies Other Than Killing Them
Worldviews

AUSTIN, TX—After the Supreme Court declined to block the new Texas heartbeat law, feminists have been in a complete panic trying to figure out what one does with babies other than killing them. “They don’t teach any of this in feminist class,” said one frantic feminist.

Babies have long been the mortal enemy of feminists, though feminists tend to know little about them other than that they do nothing but destroy women’s lives and keep them from meeting their full potential. Thus, when a woman becomes inflicted with one (and they’re vague on how this happens other than that it’s the patriarchy’s fault), they kill the baby as soon as possible before all of a woman's aspirations can be destroyed by this terrible monster.

But with simple baby murder off the table, feminists have no idea what else to do with their enemies. “How do you handle babies?” screamed feminist Gloria Davis. “Are there books on it?”

Some have discovered adoption as an option, but many see this simply as “allowing the baby to destroy some other woman’s life.” That just leaves what seems like a complicated series of instructions to care for and feed the baby.

“It just seems so wrong and unnatural,” said one feminist. “Why would I ever want to care for something that just wants to ruin everything?”

As for Texas Governor Greg “Tex” Abbott, he seemed unperturbed by the panic of feminists. “No more killing babies!” he yelled before adding,  “Yee-haw!” and firing a revolver into the air.

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