SACRAMENTO, CA—According to sources, Biden is decisively responding to various disasters and crises around the world by sending Kamala Harris to California to campaign for Gavin Newsom.
"Listen, folks—there is no disaster more serious than Larry Elder winning governor of California," said Biden. "I will be sending my best and most likable campaigner Miss Kamel Hairses to help boost Gavin's numbers."
Gavin Newsom, however, was less enthusiastic.
"I really appreciate Joe sending the brilliant Vice President Harris to help," said Newsom in a press conference, "but, um, we just filled our last open slot for campaign help. Darnit. That really stinks. If only I'd have known she was coming earlier. Too bad. We just don't have any openings in our campaign right now."
Newsom went on to suggest Kamala instead campaign for candidate Larry Elder.
"I heard Larry Elder is looking for people! Maybe you can try with them. They might have something for you," he said to Kamala Harris. "In fact, PLEASE campaign for Larry Elder. Please."
After VP Harris insisted, the Newsom campaign reluctantly agreed to hire her and sent her to the soundproof campaign basement to "file papers and dust things and stuff."
Unfortunately, a loud cackling sound can still be heard across the street from the campaign headquarters.