ASHEVILLE, NC — Official sources within the Federal Emergency Management Agency were disappointed to inform victims of Hurricane Helene that the government agency was unable to offer them any taxpayer funding, as it had spent it all on a PowerPoint presentation about racial equity.
According to FEMA spokesperson Gayle Kane, the agency would have loved to help out North Carolina residents affected by the storm but was simply unable to do so as it had blown the remainder of its budget having an intern with purple hair put together the presentation.
"To the people of North Carolina — we see you and we stand with you," Kane said. "Believe me, no one would love to help you more than I would... but unfortunately... we maybe kinda spent it on a racial equity slideshow. It's really amazing, though. Maybe if you stop by the office sometime I can give you a sneak peek at it — just a couple of slides, though. Sorry about the storm and all, but racial inequality in the middle management of government bureaucracy needs to be addressed."
As the toll of death and destruction from the hurricane continued to mount, Kane confirmed that she was at least comforted by the fact that government agencies would be better equipped to combat prejudice in the workplace.
At publishing time, FEMA was seen stopping people from bringing aid to Hurricane Helene victims unless their supplies were responsibly sourced from minority-owned businesses.
DOGE is here, and Elon and Vivek will eliminate millions of government positions