HEAVEN — A group of seraphim guarding the gates of Heaven was terrified yesterday by the sudden appearance of legendary martial artist and action star Chuck Norris, who passed into glory at the earthly age of 86.
"Fear not!" Norris reportedly said to calm the trembling angels after he arrived in a flash of bright light. "I bring you good tidings of great joy. I have roundhouse kicked my mortal coil to join you here in Heaven."
The angels briefly appeared to kneel in his presence before Norris stopped them and urged them to worship God alone. "You must not do that!" he shouted at them. "I am a man. A fearsome, dangerous man, yes, but a man nonetheless. Worship God."
Witnesses said Heaven was abuzz with Norris's arrival, with everyone appearing to be on their best behavior to avoid getting on his bad side. "We all know not to mess with him," said one heavenly resident. "We're here in incorruptible bodies, but we're all pretty sure he can still hurt us if he wants to. It's great to have him here, honestly, but I have noticed that a lot of the ‘tough guys' around here have suddenly gotten really quiet."
Heroes from biblical times were eager to get Norris's autograph. "I'm a big fan," said King David. "Yeah, I took out Goliath with one stone and a sling, but come on… this is Chuck Norris. He's on another level."
At publishing time, tickets to an announced MMA fight between Norris and Samson had already sold out.
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