NEW YORK, NY—After conducting several trials, Pfizer has announced that their vaccine is now almost as safe for kids as getting COVID is.
"We are very proud of this achievement," said a Pfizer spokesperson. "We can now confidently say that there is only a very small chance your child will suffer life-altering complications or death from the vaccine. Chances are still a bit higher than the chances of your kid dying from COVID, but hey! Give us some credit here! Not bad, huh?"
Experts confirmed that even though there is a statistically 0% chance of kids dying from COVID, parents should still require kids to get the vaccine immediately, to make up for Pfizer's financial loss from the FDA not approving booster shots right away.
"Besides," said one expert, "kids are puny and can't even fight back with their skinny little arms and legs. Just get them vaccinated—to protect yourself—since your safety is the highest priority here."
Pfizer is hoping they can get kids fully vaccinated before their Q3 sales numbers come out.