SILVER SPRING, MD—The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has approved Ritalin for the treatment of chronic Hyper-Calvinism in adults and teenagers, a Friday press announcement confirmed.
In clinical trials, the drug was shown to have a calming effect on patients, while simultaneously encouraging evangelism and stifling the belief that God will arbitrarily save people without ordaining any means of their salvation. According to the release, Ritalin was effective in 81% of test cases; when combined with regular Bible study—“regular” defined as “at least 4 times per week”—that number jumped to an amazing 99%.
Side effects were common but harmless and included “odd internal feelings” most often described as “love,” “passion,” and “a desire to reach non-Christians with the good news of Jesus Christ,” according to the study.
“The medication provides an additional choice for Hyper-Calvinists who are currently convinced they have no choice at all, about anything,” said an FDA spokesperson. “When combined with regular Bible study, this treatment plan has shown great promise, consistently relieving problematic overemphasis on God’s wrath while allowing patients to block out much of the peripheral noise that normally distracts them from grasping a biblical understanding of God’s love and the church’s role in the world.”