BENTON, LA — The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced today that it had discovered terrifying extremist reading material in a raid of Speaker of the House Mike Johnson's Louisiana home.
"We were very troubled by what we found during our totally legal raid," said FBI Special Agent Curt Schampers. "When our tactical team breached the door of the home, one of our lead agents called our attention to a piece of reading material on the living room coffee table. The reading material appeared to be a thick, leather-bound book that had pages with gold-gilded edges. Clearly some type of radical, religious text. This type of book is normally only found in the homes of truly dangerous individuals."
Eyewitnesses reported seeing FBI agents removing the book from the home in a sealed plastic bag for further investigation. "You could see the fear in their eyes," said Johnson's neighbor Darius Anderson. "I heard them talking to each other and saying they knew people who read that book were radical, unhinged fanatics who believe crazy things and want to take over the world. To think Mike Johnson is a part of something like that…it's pretty scary."
When asked to comment on what impact this discovery may have on Johnson's ability to serve effectively as Speaker of the House, Special Agent Schampers had only this to say: "This country would look a lot different if the kind of people who read that book were in charge of things."
At publishing time, the FBI refused to comment on horrifying reports that framed passages of religious texts were found hanging on the walls of the home.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.