WASHINGTON, D.C. — A Federal Bureau of Investigation spokesperson announced Friday that the bureau had turned itself in for the planting of pipe bomb explosives outside the U.S. Capitol Building on January 6 and collected the $500,000 reward from itself.
The investigation was now officially closed.
FBI Director Christopher Wray praised his team for their hard work and dedication in bringing themselves to justice. "After an intense investigation, we have concluded that the true culprit behind the January 6 pipe bombs was us and have taken appropriate action to turn ourselves into ourselves," he said. "Therefore, I bestow upon us a well-earned reward totaling half a million dollars. Congratulations, team. I knew we'd eventually catch us."
He added, "However, because most of the evidence is classified, we do not recommend the Justice Department bring charges."
According to sources, the FBI was able to evade capture for so long because it had no incentive to turn itself in. However, a generous $500,000 reward changed the bureau's tune.
President Joe Biden congratulated the FBI on the closed case. "Edgar, you've done it again," he said. "Are you here, J. Edgar? Anyway..."
Critics blasted the FBI for what they perceived as an obvious ethics violation and called on Director Wray to resign, to which he replied, "Sure, I was going to anyway."
Trump's pick for the next director, Kash Patel, said he hoped to reform the FBI. "This money should really help," he said. "I'm glad they finally apprehended themselves."
At publishing time, Attorney General Merrick Garland announced he would not be bringing charges against the FBI as a result of the tremendous bravery shown by the FBI in hunting down the FBI.
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