U.S. — The Catholic church is currently being infiltrated by a number of undercover FBI agents who are partaking in the sacraments, earning indulgences, and even becoming priests. According to Bishop Robert Barron, who personally caught and interrogated one of the agents in a Vatican blacksite, the bureau appears to be looking into a mysterious plot inside the church to worship something other than the state.

"Who sent you? Why are you spying on us?" yelled the Bishop. "Why on earth would you spy on innocent parishioners?!"

The captured FBI agent then laughed wickedly and bit down on a false tooth and ingested a cyanide tablet hidden within.

Attorney General Merrick Garland responded to the startling revelations that agents are investigating the church by saying, "What? No! We'd never do something like that! I don't even know what you're talking about! But if there are people refusing to worship government mark my words: we will find them and make them pay."

At publishing time, Pope Francis had revealed he's been an FBI agent this whole time.

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