WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to several unnamed sources, Dr. Anthony Fauci has grown increasingly irritated as China appears to be getting blamed for creating COVID-19 — an accomplishment for which Fauci believes he deserves at least partial credit.
"The Wuhan Virology Lab would be nothing without me! NOTHING, I say!" said an irate Fauci to several nearby witnesses. "I made them who they are. I made sure they received funding to weaponize coronaviruses. It was ME! Me alone! Not them! I killed MILLIONS! I brought regimes to their knees! Mountains crumbled before my terrible wrath! And then I saved the world from my own wrath! I am GOD! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!"
Sources say the Wendy's drive-thru worker he was yelling at then asked him to leave at once.
Experts in virology and international espionage concur with Fauci's assessment, saying that COVID gain-of-function research was Fauci's project, funded at his direction in Wuhan after domestic labs said the work was too dangerous. Many are insisting Fauci be given some of the credit, or at least a marble statue of his likeness in front of the New York City morgue.
At publishing time, Fauci had been seen yelling about his terrible viral creation to a sandwich artist at Subway.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
