NEW HAVEN, CT — Philosophy professor and Fascism Expert James Stanley announced on Twitter that he had found fascism in America, Italy, Nigeria, and several other countries.
Stanley, the Ariel Urowsky Chair of Philosophy and Fascism at Yale, has called various groups of people "fascist" over the last several years, declaring that half of US citizens are fascists, particularly white men.
"Fascism is rampant in America," said Stanley, speaking freely from his perch as a professor at a university with a $42.3 billion dollar endowment. "Just because I call everyone I disagree with fascist," continued Stanley, "doesn't mean I think fascism just means ‘people you disagree with.' It's merely a coincidence."
Critics have pointed out that as Yale's resident fascism expert and an author on the topic, Stanley is incentivized to find as much fascism as possible. "Poppycock," responded Stanley. "Do I get paid based on how much fascism I find? Yes," said Stanley. "Do I get more invites to fancy cable shows and cocktail parties the more I call things fascist? Yes. But that doesn't mean I try to see fascism everywhere."
Yale's Associate Dean of Fascism, Janet Howell, said in a statement, "we have the utmost confidence in Stanley. No one knows fascism quite like him." Before calling this reporter fascist, Stanley announced that a release date had been set for his upcoming book, One Fascism, Two Fascism, Red Fascism, Blue Fascism published by Oxford Press.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
