CINCINNATI, OH—Sources have confirmed that the 19-year-old world land speed record was shattered Sunday morning, as local father Gilbert Haskins pushed his family’s 2007 Dodge Caravan to the breaking point, managing to get the sensible minivan up to a top speed of 770 miles per hour as the Haskins family attempted to get to church on time.
Haskins had reportedly piled his family of six into the minivan with just three minutes to traverse the fifteen miles to church before the late 11 a.m. service began, prompting the father of four to “speed slightly” in his endeavor to make the opening worship song.
“Come hell or high water, we are making it to that service on time,” he yelled as the vehicle approached Mach 1. “We will not go gentle into that good night.”
Breaking the previous record of just 763 miles per hour set in 1997 by a purpose-built, jet-propelled vehicle, Haskins reportedly “floored it” while telling his kids to “hang on tight” as he gunned it down a side street in order to beat a train that would have sunk the family’s chances of making it to the service before the sermon started.
“This is a shortcut that only I know about—hold on,” he told the kids as he violently cut through a Walmart parking lot.
“You might black out as we whip into the secret back pastor’s parking lot, so hold onto your britches.”
The Haskins family reportedly came close to topping the record a second time after the church service in an attempt to beat the Lutherans to Bob Evans.