WASHINGTON, D.C.—News anchors are warning of a shocking new threat as tens of thousands of Americans are brazenly planning to cross state lines next week, with the ostensible purpose of eating turkey and perhaps even a slice of pie.
"State lines! State lines! Aaa!!" screamed Nicole Wallace, making scary faces and waving her hands. "The one line I thought that even Republicans would never cross was a state line. Those evil ogres! Trampling the most sacred of all boundaries! Have they no shame?"
Although previously thought to be innocuous, passing over a state line was recently discovered to be a marker of murderous intent and racism. Local man Geoff Myer, who for decades has traveled a few miles to see his mom across the Illinois border, was shocked to realize he harbored homicidal intent and a deep animosity towards minorities. "Man, I feel awful. All this time I've been ripping apart the fabric of society, and I thought I was just visiting my elderly mom! Lock me away, boys."
In spite of its deeply evil nature, thousands of Americans plan to cross state lines anyway to be with friends and family for Thanksgiving. "It should be no surprise that people who would celebrate the white man's violence toward Native Americans would also commit the most heinous act of white supremacism—crossing state lines," said Joy Reid. "I continue to be shocked and appalled by what white people do in the imaginary narrative I created in my head, a narrative designed to incite hatred and violence, which MSNBC pays tons of money for."
At publication time, sources discovered that while factually most Republicans aren't planning to cross state lines for Thanksgiving, facts are stupid and Republicans are evil.
The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don't like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of "We Don't Talk About Bruno"!