U.S.—Epidemiologists are sounding the alarm about a new COVID variant that is leading to increased hospitalization rates across the country. According to scientists, this new mutation—dubbed the "CUOMO" variant, is particularly dangerous to young, attractive women, and 100% fatal to the elderly.
"This is the most infectious—and also the grossest—variant yet," said Dr. Maria Bellagamba to reporters. "It seriously creeps me out just thinking about it. If this variant doesn't make you want to isolate yourself in a locked home immediately, I don't know what will."
According to virologists, young attractive women should avoid wearing short skirts and low-cut tops, as the CUOMO variant seems to gravitate toward women who it deems are provocatively dressed.
"If you find yourself smelling nothing but the scent of garlic and marinara sauce combined with profuse amounts of cheap cologne, this is a sure sign you've been infected," said Bellagamba before barfing into a nearby trash can from sheer disgust.
In addition to being a very pervy virus, experts say it is 100% guaranteed to murder everyone over 65.
"Sorry, there's nothing we can do at this point. The virus donated to Biden's election campaign," said Bellagamba.