WORLD—In the wake of a string of increasingly bizarre antics from a rapidly declining western civilization, experts recommended nuking everything from orbit.
Should world leaders approve the plan, the nukes will be launched sometime in the next week, weather permitting.
"Our new strategy for eradicating the potential for more of the absolute insanity as we have seen over the past weeks and months is to just wipe the whole thing out," Defense Secretary Mark Esper declared in a press conference at the Pentagon. "We explored plans ranging from releasing biological weapons into public areas around the world to just sinking everyone into the sea. But based on computer simulations, a barrage of orbital nukes from our defense satellites is the most effective plan for just wiping everything out in order to let someone else have a shot."
Esper went on to state the first barrage of nukes would include some 325 different ICBMs targeted at the world's most densely populated areas, while a second salvo would target more rural areas to wipe out any survivors.
"It's the only way to be sure."