U.S. — In light of record temperatures, health officials are recommending people stay indoors and pay the government more taxes to support continued meteorological studies so they can find out how hot it's going to be so they can know when to advise you about staying indoors and paying more taxes.
"Wow, what a scorcher!" weatherman Don Torrent said with a smile during the morning broadcast of Action 5 News. "It's going to be a hot one today, folks! Try to stay indoors and pay more taxes, or death is sure to follow. Back to you, Rickmond!"
Experts with the National Weather Service warned that, if left unchecked, temperatures could climb even higher, causing millions to drink more water and even go swimming. "We have never been closer to the extinction of the human race than we are right now," said Alvin Keurig, Deputy of Dry Heat with the NWS. "Only your tax money can lower temperatures now."
"It's the only way," he added solemnly.
Conservatives in Congress have reportedly pushed back against raising taxes to bring down temperatures, arguing that global temperatures will cool off in the fall like they always do. They have been branded as QAnon-adjacent conspiracy theorists.
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer scoffed at his Republican colleagues. "Who else is going to tell you when it's hot? Your skin? Ha! Not a chance, hombre!"
"We need common sense temperature control now, not later!"
At publishing time, congress ordered a study to determine the environmental impact of debating tax percentages that will best reduce environmental impact.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.