Politics
Exclusive Interview: Joe Biden Talks To The Babylon Bee

This is a partial transcript of an interview of presidential candidate Joe Biden by The Babylon Bee Editor-in-Chief Kyle Mann and Creative Director Ethan Nicolle.

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KYLE: “Today we have a very special guest: Joe Biden, who is running for president. Would you like to say hello, Joe?”

ETHAN: “Heh. ‘Hello, Joe!’”

BIDEN: “Who are you again? What radio station will this be on?”

ETHAN: “It’s a podcast.”

BIDEN: “What is that? Is that like the YouTube?”

KYLE: “Sure. Sorta. So you used to be vice president?”

BIDEN: “Yeah.”

KYLE: “To Obama, right?”

BIDEN: "Who? Oh, yeah, him. Yeah. Nice guy. Very clean."

KYLE: “And he was black, but you’re white right?”

ETHAN: “Is that allowed?”

KYLE: “I don’t think they have to match.”

ETHAN: “But then if he has to replace the president, everyone will notice.”

KYLE: “I guess that makes sense. So, Mr. Biden, as president, are you going to try to trick people into thinking you’re immortal?”

BIDEN: “What is this? This is a bunch of malarkey.”

KYLE: “Whoa. Hey. That is uncalled for, sir. I have never once been accused of malarkey, and I won’t stand for it.”

ETHAN: “I don’t know what malarkey is.”

BIDEN: “Listen, you couple of crumb bums, I’m not going to put up with your shenanigans. You’re trying to ambush me. And what’s that big bee doing on the wall? Is that a threat?”

KYLE: “This is just supposed to be a fun interview. Let’s all be friends here and especially don’t accuse anyone of malarkey.”

ETHAN: “Maybe I’ll just get to the questions. So, you were vice president for eight years. What does a vice president do? Because I don’t remember hearing about you doing anything.”

BIDEN: “I’ll show you what I do, you little [FLOWERBED]... Wait! What just happened? I didn’t say flowerbed. I said [FLOWERBED]. It happened again!”

KYLE: “That’s just our censor. We’re a Christian podcast. We don’t like any swearing. So we bleep it out with other words like 'flowerbed.'"

BIDEN: “You’re changing my words. You somehow got in my [FLOWERBED] head and are changing my words! You’re trying to make me think I’m crazy. You got the things going on me with the words.”

KYLE: “Sorry, what?”

BIDEN: “Stop staring at me with your eyes!”

ETHAN: “Our eyes?”

BIDEN: “That’s how you’re doing it, isn’t it? I bet if I jam out your eyes with my pen, it will break the [FLOWERBED] spell.”

KYLE: “Cheese it! He’s getting old man crazy!”

(The sounds of a scuffle ensue)

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