An anonymous source inside The Babylon Bee has published a string of highly embarrassing text messages, which have now begun circulating online. We wish we could go back in time, unsay these terrible things, and beat the people responsible with a sock full of nickels. But we can't, so we're going to do the right thing and address the controversy head-on. Here are the ten messages, and our official statement on each:
We can only offer our deepest apologies for such a disgusting obscenity.
Statements like this have no place in civil society.
We cannot allow personal feelings to get in the way of our journalistic integrity. We will do better.
Actually, this one we're not apologizing for.
The New York Times was right all along!
Sounds about right.
There are simply no words to express our shame.
We were predestined to fire that guy.
The employee tried to say he was "immunocompromised" or something, but this is unacceptable.
Dear Lord.
We at The Babylon Bee sincerely apologize for any hurt and pain these messages have caused. We hope in time to be able to regain the trust of all those that we have brought shame upon.
Liberal Brynnleigh witnesses a communist utopia in action!
