Celebs
Elon Musk Rescues Texans With Giant Flamethrower Mech

AUSTIN, TX—Texans have been frozen in their homes without power for days, and no end was in sight --  until Elon Musk emerged from his new Texas home in a cobbled-together mech that shoots giant flames out of its arms.

Residents of Texas were huddled together for warmth, about ready to give up, when they beheld in the distance an orange glow. One girl shivering in her house looked down at her glass of water and saw a ripple start to form as she heard a thud-thud-thud growing louder and louder. Looking out the window, she cried a cry of hope: "Look, mommy! A fire robot!"

Sure enough, there he was, clad in mech armor and blasting snow all around him.

"BEHOLD! THE GIFT OF FIRE!" cackled Musk as he began to melt snow all over the state. "I threw this together with some spare parts in my garage! It needs a few tweaks, but I think it's an OK working prototype to start with. FIRE!!!!!!"

One truck was sliding by on an adjacent road, but Musk jumped to the rescue, grabbing the truck by the bumper and flinging it toward its destination. "YOU'RE WELCOME, FRIENDLY CITIZEN!" he cried as he turned to torch a compact car out of a snowbank.

At publishing time, Musk had installed an arc reactor in his chest to power the suit more efficiently.

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