WASHINGTON, D.C. — Viewers are perplexed by a CNN television interview featuring a deranged old lady who recently escaped from an elder care facility, angrily ranting about wanting to "deprogram" half of the nation's population.
"They must comply! Deplorables! All of ‘em!" the disheveled geriatric growled at the camera while CNN's Christiane Amanpour attempted to de-escalate the situation. "If they don't fall in line, we'll round them up and re-educate them! De-program them! Re-program them! If that doesn't work, then we'll just disappear them! Yes! Yeeeeeeessssssss! Ahahahahahahaha!"
The CNN interview team did their best to remain calm, despite the obvious threat posed by the tottering, decrepit woman. "She may be old and frail, but you can tell she's serious," said one member of the television crew. "We heard she escaped from a nursing home nearby, but you could tell she's terrorized people in the past. Chilling, dangerous stuff. Or maybe she's just completely insane, who knows."
The woman was later restrained by security, sedated by men in white scrubs, and thrown into the back of a waiting van to be returned to the confines of her nursing home. A spokesperson for the facility later made a statement to the press regarding the incident. "Sadly, this has become an ongoing problem with this particular patient," said Eduardo Guerrero. "She goes off her rocker a lot. She even has this crazy notion that she's actually the President of the United States, which we know full well never happened."
At publishing time, CNN advised everyone in the country to be on the lookout, as the crazy woman was believed to making the rounds for more TV interviews.
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