Health
Effectiveness Of Masks Questioned With New Study Showing High Death Rate For Stormtroopers

U.S.—Common wisdom tells us that masks slow the spread of COVID and that everyone who denies that should be burned at the stake, but a new study has brought that wisdom into question, as it shows an extremely high death rate from one of the groups most diligent about wearing masks: Stormtroopers.

The Empire’s Stormtroopers are almost never seen without masks on, and yet they die at an alarming rate.

“One would really expect them to do well in a pandemic,” said research scientist Gerald Pittman, who specializes in studying what happens when you breathe through your mouth and nose. “They should almost never transmit the virus, and yet they are constantly dying.” Pittman does say some of those deaths are due to laser blasts, falling, or laser blasts resulting in falling, but one would still expect to see some difference from Stormtroopers’ mask-wearing.

Not only are Stormtroopers dying at a high rate, but other diligent mask-wearers are experiencing high fatality rates, such as ninjas, Old West bank robbers, and Shy Guys. “Wearing a mask may not be the silver bullet many think it is,” said Pittman.

Pittman also speculated that there are other options besides mask-wearing that might help survivability, such as dexterity to dodge laser blasts, knowledge of kung fu, and diligent hand-washing.

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