PLYMOUTH, MI—After his state's governor banned gatherings of more than 10 people for Thanksgiving, local libertarian Paul Figgen was looking forward to boldly defying the government with a massive holiday gathering of dozens. Unfortunately, he's having a hard time finding dinner guests since no one wants to hang out with him.
"I know Thanksgiving was made a federal holiday by the infamous war criminal Abraham Lincoln," said Figgen, "but I really want to stick it to the Feds and organize a huge dinner and talk about how taxation is theft while smoking weed with a bunch of people! I invited everyone but no one seems to want to hang out for some reason."
According to sources, Figgen even invited everyone from his Brony support group, his atheist book club, and his local vape shop, but no one has accepted his invitation.
"It's ok," Figgen sighed. "If people want to be a bunch of sheep, that's fine. I'll just have Thanksgiving with my cardboard cutout of Ron Paul. He loves to hang out with me."