EARTH ORBIT—While it seemed the inauguration of the 46th president went off peacefully, the worst fears of the country manifested as Donald Trump staged a military coup to retain power. Most didn’t notice, though, because he did it using the only branch of the military still loyal to him: Space Force.
In a stunning surgical strike led by Space Force Commander Zap Rowsdower, Space Force took over all of space, defeating any resistance there -- of which there was none. There was one Russian on the International Space Station who said, “I don’t know about this,” but after a stern stare from Rowsdower, he shut up.
“Trump is now president of all of space,” declared Rowsdower. “If you think differently, you’ll have to come up to space and tell us. Just let it be known we have guns -- a few of which work in space.”
Back on Earth, Trump declared it a “perfect military coup” to the press and added, “I guess in space, they take elections more seriously. That’s why I’m still president there.” Trump then noted that space is way bigger than the earth, which is “small and dumb,” thus making him a “much more important president than Biden.”
For now, though, Trump planned to stay on Earth, as that’s the only place with McDonald’s.