WASHINGTON, D.C. - America collectively breathed a sigh of relief today as Dr. Fauci announced he was giving everyone permission to go trick or treating this year.
"I must clarify one thing, though - and let me be perfectly clear while I clarify one small point in order to make it clear for everyone, as clearly as I possibly can," said Fauci. "If your child is unvaccinated, he should NOT be given any of the good candy. No Reese's or Snickers or any of that. Candy Corn only. That's it."
Beloved NBC anchor Chuck Todd responded to Fauci's recommendation and asked for clarification. "So you mean to say they can ONLY get candy corn? Nothing else?"
"Well, maybe they can have an apple or a carrot or a toothbrush," Fauci replied. "If an unvaccinated kid is given the good candy, they may forget their proper station as unvaxxed second-class citizens. And watch out for... THE DROPLETS!" Fauci then shrieked and jumped out a nearby window, as it had been a stressful day.
The CDC confirmed Dr. Fauci's recommendations, before later reversing them due to public outcry, and also due to Fauci changing his mind again.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.