AUBURN HILLS, MI — Truck manufacturer Dodge unveiled new headlights today that would come standard with new models and were designed specifically to blast gamma ray bursts into your eyeballs.
After years of extensive research, designers were finally able to come up with a way to make vehicle headlights so bright that they would cause permanent, radioactive damage to the eyes of oncoming drivers.
"These babies will blast you right straight in your retinas," spokesperson Dale McMillan said. "You'll be seeing them when you blink your eyes for days. If you can ever see anything again, I mean. If anyone can see after this, they must be Superman. We think you'll love them. Unless you're looking at them coming from the opposite direction, that is."
The new headlights were set to replace the old ones that also blasted gamma rays into your eyes, but not quite as brightly. Dodge said having trucks blind other drivers is a feature, not a bug, and would help truck drivers see better and all other drivers be even more blind.
"Our headlights are known for being super bright," McMillan said. "With our new gamma ray lights, we ensure no one on the road will be able to see anything. Making other drivers say ‘ARGH WHAT IS THAT FLAMING BRIGHT LIGHT?!' is just part of what we do here at Dodge."
At publishing time, Dodge announced that it was making a model of truck that you can only step into with the help of a cherry picker.
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