ALEXANDRIA, VA — Inspired by the Trump White House's move toward 50-year mortgages, popular burger chain Five Guys announced it would be addressing the ongoing "Five Guys Affordability Crisis" with convenient 50-year burger financing.
"We get it. Things are expensive, especially our burgers," the company said in a public press release. "But new burger financing options make our menu more accessible to the average consumer than ever. Sign up for 10-year, 30-year, or even 50-year financing options. No credit check required!"
Economists urged customers not to sign up for Five Guys' burger financing program, warning that the interest alone will amount to $10,000. "It doesn't hurt as much up front, but this is really just a price hike disguised as a discount," warned economic expert Paul Krugman.
Five Guys CEO Jerry Murrell, the first of the five guys, dismissed concerns that he was conning consumers and argued that their burger financing options adhere to the Wimpy code. "J. Wellington Wimpy from ‘Popeye' simply wanted to pay people Tuesday for a hamburger today," Murrell explained. "This is the same principle. We'll gladly give you a burgee today, and you can gradually pay it off for the rest of your life."
Despite expert concerns, however, customers were already flocking to Five Guys, with diners slowly realizing that the typical person doesn't buy one burger over the course of their life, they buy several hundred.
"One burger costs a lot if you pay for it all at once, but I can spread that cost out over several decades," said local burger consumer Tony Hart. "But that's the future's problem. I'll let my grandkids deal with it."
At publishing time, Five Guys opened a new division within their company seeking full-time repo men to handle customers who fall behind on their burger payments.
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