U.S. — Doctors have finally admitted that the best treatment for the flu is watching The Price Is Right while eating crackers, ending decades-long speculation among local communities that flu medication didn't do anything.
"It's been staring us in the face all along," said Dr. Cole Coffinstein, slapping his head in disbelief. "In medical school, they teach you about all of the remedies for influenza, but nope, all you have to do is cozy up in front of the TV, eat some crackers, and maybe sip on a little Sprite. It's so simple!"
"Big Pharma lied to us."
Doctors advise that the more episodes of CBS' long-running game show you watch the better you'll feel and that any variety of crackers is acceptable. According to studies, episodes with host Bob Barker appear to have improved efficacy, but Drew Carey is also acceptable if you have no alternative.
"It is the consensus of the medical community that there's something about the combination of sound effects, gentle host banter, and price-guessing mechanisms of the show that work together with crackers to generate flu-fighting antibodies," said Dr. Coffinstein. "We need to conduct further research into exactly why this is."
At publishing time, doctors had also confirmed that watching anything on TLC will make your symptoms worse.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: