NEW YORK, NY — According to sources, Vice President JD Vance stumbled upon an incredible discovery on Tuesday when he made contact with a tribe of illiterate, feral women.
The all-female tribe was discovered in a television studio where anthropologists believe they ate garbage and pretended to put on a show for their pantheon of primitive gods. Their clothing was allegedly a mixture of rags and what appeared to be remnants of the JC Penney Spring Collection.
Vance took copious notes while in their presence, hoping to get his findings to a local university so the tribe could be further studied.
They appear to communicate in a series of shrill cries and moanings too horrific for words. I can barely understand them. And when I do speak, they shriek as if it is forbidden for anyone to question them. I attempted to show them pathways to modern civilization, which they rejected as a form of heresy condemnable by their idol, whom they referred to as 'Barackobama.'
"Somehow, these women — if you can call them women — live in complete and total isolation from reality," Vance said of his experience with the elusive tribe. "They apparently call themselves 'Thavyoo,' which I speculate means something like 'People of the Banshee.'"
Experts previously believed there were no lost tribes remaining anywhere in New York City, because it's a major metropolitan area full of people. But they were wrong.
"To think there was a lost tribe living in Manhattan all this time," said Professor Handley London, a trained anthropologist. "Absolutely incredible. And their crude society has been remarkably preserved."
At publishing time, scientists had advised anyone against interacting with the tribe, warning that they would lash out if challenged on their worldview.
After a slight mixup, Steve, Timpani, and Britunni end up at the Alamo instead of the Alamo Car Rental. Protestors block their way out and Timpani is going into labor!
