U.S. — According to sources, a routine agreement negotiated by President Donald Trump has resulted in control of the original 13 colonies being transferred back to Great Britain.
"This is a massive win for the United States, just tremendous," Trump told reporters despite losing almost the entirety of the eastern seaboard. "We're giving some land back to England — you have to do that sometimes in negotiations — but our GDP is going up 1%. So that's great."
Effective immediately, the U.S. capital is switching to West Palm Beach, Florida, as Trump converts his Mar-a-Lago resort into the new White House.
"Florida wasn't part of the deal," clarified Trump. "It wasn't one of the 13 colonies. Did you know that? It wasn't one of the 13. Spain. Spain controlled it. That brave man, Ponce de León they called him, was looking for the Fountain of Youth. He never found it, though. Can you believe it? He never found it. ‘Never explore the swamps, me boys!' He said that. ‘Never explore the swamps!' Incredible guy, Ponce de León. What a name. He was very Spanish. Very Spanish. But not Mexican, if you can believe it. A lot of people think Spain and Mexico are the same, but they're not. Completely different countries."
Democrats and Republicans alike condemned the new deal, blasting Trump for using U.S. land as a bargaining chip.
"I'm not a senator anymore because of Trump. He sold my state for his ‘deal,' whatever that means," now-ordinary American citizen Chuck Schumer said. "This is worse than the Iran deal, by far."
But that's just business, said Trump, who speculated that he might get New York back one day. "I'm very good at negotiating," he said. "Trust me, we don't need New York. Maybe we'll get it back later. We'll see. I'll think about it."
According to sources, Vice President JD Vance headed up negotiations and reportedly tried to throw in California and Minnesota too, but the UK wouldn't take them.
At publishing time, reacting to the significant blowback over the deal, Trump dispatched Marco Rubio to win the 13 colonies back by challenging the King of England to single combat.
After a slight mixup, Steve, Timpani, and Britunni end up at the Alamo instead of the Alamo Car Rental. Protestors block their way out and Timpani is going into labor!
