U.S. — Humanity's long-awaited first contact with advanced extraterrestrials came to a disappointing end this week after visiting aliens returned home and officially classified Earth as a barren, unintelligent world following a brief encounter with astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson.
The aliens had traveled several million miles to search for intelligent life on Earth, only to end their quest in abject failure after making contact with Tyson.
"Pack it up, boys. Zero intelligence detected whatsoever," announced the lead ambassador from Argonian V. "How disappointing. Just dumb as rocks, this animal. And he was supposedly one of the most educated ones. Not even a trace of rationality. I don't know how these so-called 'humans' even manage to wipe themselves. What a waste of a space trip."
Argonian V officials reportedly grew alarmed when Tyson repeatedly interrupted their formal introductions to scream about supposed inaccuracies in popular Earth films. "At first, we thought our translators may have malfunctioned," explained the ambassador. "We considered that speaking to Tyson perhaps was some sort of clever trap to dissuade alien invaders, but it quickly became clear that he was just an idiot. Huge bummer, as we say on our world."
At publishing time, the aliens had reportedly altered their star charts to mark Earth with a warning label reading: "Do Not Contact — Super Dumb."
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