GALILEE — In a not-so-well-known miracle, Jesus the Son of God has done the impossible and healed a totally lame man by giving him a sick wardrobe makeover, curing him instantly.
"Hah LAME! What an absolute dork," the crowd jeered at the lame man sitting on the street corner. "That guy will never be cool. Just look at him! He's been lame for 38 years."
According to witnesses, at that very moment, Jesus appeared and knelt down and handed the extremely lame man a dope pair of Ray-Bans and a sick lambskin jacket. Jesus said, "Arise and walk around in your new drip, for you are no longer lame - you are cool." He then exhorted the man, saying "now go, and be cringe no more!"
At once the lame man was fully healed and the crowd marveled at how cool the man instantly became. The people exclaimed things like "Wow! Are those polarized?", "That's genuine Italian leather!", and "His fit is lo-key fire bro, not gonna lie".
At publishing time, Jesus found the healed man once again in the temple and said, "Now that you are cool again, stay away from Reddit, fedoras, and anime, or you may end up much lamer than before."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
