CARMEL, IN — Former Vice President Mike Pence repented publicly at his church on Sunday after sources revealed he had eaten several "all-female" M&M's candies from the new all-female bags without his wife present.
"I know I have committed a serious indiscretion," said the former Vice President to his church elders and accountability partners who were there to pray over him. "It's not that I don't think I can control myself around female M&M's, but I respect my wife and don't want her worried about all the time I'm spending with female M&M's before I eat them. It's important as Christians to avoid anything that could take the appearance of evil. I'd like to repent today for my lack of discernment."
Pence then bowed his head as the church leadership prayed over him, fully restoring him to serve without reproach in public service.
The updated M&M's packaging, which features copy that reads, "SUPPORTING WOMEN FLIPPING THE STATUS QUO," has caused significant controversy since its announcement. Fox News's Sean Hannity called it the first shot in a new "war on candy." Donald Trump also blasted the popular candy, saying it doesn't taste as good as Whoppers.
Sources confirmed Pence will continue to enjoy M&M's, but only when in the original packaging. "The original packaging comes with male chaperones built-in so there's no appearance of scandal," he said. "Anything else would be entirely inappropriate."
At publishing time, Mike Pence returned early from Kroger and caught his wife eating a Mr. Goodbar without a male present. The couple has sought counseling with their pastor.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!