'Doctor Who' Ratings Saved As The Doctor Regenerates Into Dr. Jordan Peterson

GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.

“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”

Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.

“It isn’t obvious to me how Daleks are any different from lobsters,” said Doctor Peterson, landing on the Dalek homeworld Skaro. “Both can be vicious, territorial creatures operating within their dominance hierarchies, and yet soft and vulnerable beneath their impenetrable armor.” The Doctor proceeded to swiftly reprimand the Daleks to set their own life in order before they tried to EXTERMINATE the world.

Interest in the show has grown considerably following the introduction of this new Doctor. What was once a fanbase known for being a bunch of whiny nerds who smell is now being redefined as a fanbase of bold intellectuals who stand up straight with their shoulders back, taking life head-on.

At publishing time, Doctor Peterson had embarked in the T.A.R.D.I.S  into his most bizarre timeline yet, an Earth where actual science was ignored and citizens allowed themselves to be oppressed by overreaching government mandates.


The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don't like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of "We Don't Talk About Bruno"!

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